Tripods are for the weak, not the intrepid. Instead, I rely on my nerves of steel, intrepidly, for my art. It’s not just about the selfies, though they are of paramount importance. There are also the landscapes, the moon, the occasional meal or cocktail.
The main thing to remember, though, is not the landscapes or the meals, it’s the thing about being intrepid. They would call me the statue, except that my moments of complete statue-like stillness are frequently interrupted by bouts of wild movements. I’m like Drax after a few bags of chocolate-coated zarg-nuts, only more plucky.
Similarly, you could say that I’m a hero, as are my cocktails and occasionally my meals. Such heroism often leads me into a panoply of interesting situations, and also into the panopticon. Such is how I came to encounter palace intrigue of the highest order, if also of the lowest common denominator.
It was the Major, he had plans for me. Fancy plans, and pants to match, to quote the greatest of American businessman ever. He was also the greatest when it came to fire extinguishers, but that’s not the issue at hand.
No, my fellow Americans, the issue at hand—and you know what they say about birds and hands—is, well, our hands. They can be huge and we can grab lots of things with them. And the Major needed someone to play solitaire, which also involves hands and grabbing things, albeit lightly.
There was no reason it shouldn’t be me playing the game, except for the fact that I’m terrible at it, not that I let that stop me from being me.
why yes actually i *do* have to be a dick about it
— JEFF NEWTON (@yonewt) September 14, 2019
There is also the fact that my vehicle is second only to the A-Team van.
I’d like to try driving a cement mixer
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) September 24, 2019
And my resolve, it’s also second only to the A-Team.
I would consider it my absolute honour to destroy you and everything you love.
— CandyPants™ (@suzieQ0007) September 23, 2019
As is my dedication to décor.
Don’t let the “Gather” and “Blessed” wall stencils fool you, there are bodies in the crawlspace.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) September 24, 2019
Plus an outfit for every occasion.
The stranger who criticised my gardening gown had near-instant regrets.
— Tippi Hedren Collider (@linanneblack) September 23, 2019
I mean every occasion.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) June 19, 2015
I also have a squad, though it’s prefaced with “hit.”
the company takes a life insurance policy out on you. you haven’t sold an energy star space saving washer dryer set in months. a dark sedan has started following you everywhere
— fightgeek (@fightgeek) August 31, 2019
Forget that, I’ve said too much.
Now see, you’ve written “A GOOD (EVIL) SCHEME” right at the top of the page. No one’s going to take us seriously.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) September 22, 2019
I understand there will be sacrifices.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
— Jimmer Cork-Bottle (@JimmerThatisAll) January 6, 2019
The important thing is to keep the Major happy, even if I shouldn’t admit that publicly. Forget that I said this, too.
And I’m working undercover for the man.
— Henry 3000 (@Henry_3000) September 16, 2019
But if you ask questions, I’ll answer them, technically.
I’ll answer most questions with a resounding “NO” to bring an air of instant negativity to the conversation.
— Cabo 🇺🇸 🍳 (@Shot_Of_Cabo) September 14, 2019
Relentless obfuscation is a form of answering.
Do you want the regular explanation or the jaded intellectual explanation.
— Crow Magnom (@distracted_monk) September 14, 2019
As is silently nodding while pretending to pay attention.
I like to talk about me. That’s why I’m here.
But, I will pretend to listen while you talk about you. I am not a rude narcissist.
— Jennifer Slopez (@JennSlowpez) September 12, 2019
Until such time that the Q&A session is over.
I now say pro-cess, not prah-cess. I will not be taking any questions at this time.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) September 10, 2019
Because some moments require you to be quiet and me to deliver a rousing speech.
I think today maybe I’ll do something to get the key to the city.
— b. (@bwebster76) May 26, 2011
Though I may pretend to be a mere mortal, for the people. It’s an example of my humility.
I like to add “I could be rong” to the end of opinionated notes, just to give ’em something to work with.
— ES (@ESXIII) September 4, 2019
I’ll even wish you well.
“Go break a leg,” I say ominously.
— TattleTaleSister Ⓥ (@TattleTSister) August 31, 2019
Although the fight against the voices in my head, voices that seem like they may have been planted, can be challenging, matey.
My brain has been telling me for two days now that I am the captain of the Pinafore.
— foggy memory (@someonesmomma) August 30, 2019
I need to clarify an earlier position lest I get cancelled. When I said my cement mixer is second only to the A-Team van, I also meant it’s second to my other ride, which is also second to the A-Team van, but I’m calling it a tie.
If this van’s a rockin it’s cuz I practice karate in my van.
— Brother Ben (@SentenceReduced) September 2, 2019
But the cement mixer is clearly in first place. It’s much more utilitarian.
Me and my twin brother, oh the pranks we pulled on our grade school teachers. Ha! They still haven’t found Mrs. Grady.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) August 29, 2019
For my ambition is somewhat of a distressing condition. I mean, I do seek power the way a superstitious man looks for a four-leaf clover.
Just itching to start an imbroglio.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) August 31, 2019
Although there are remedies.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve listened to my morning Bee Gees song.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) August 23, 2019
Plus I’m not just going to give in if I hear the trigger phrase, not least of all because I forgot it.
i just googled how to hypnotize myself.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) September 22, 2019
You say pathetic, I say air drumming champion.
Technically it’s still winning even if the contest is for most pathetic.
— Cat From Nowhe®e (@kv8) August 29, 2019
And if my resolve wanes, there’s always the warm nourishment of the rubber chicken circuit.
Heartwarming like in a a large pot, over an open flame.
— Roxy (@laboxalaroxa) September 19, 2019
Plus the little fellow that hangs out on my shoulder.
A devil for every occasion.
— Karen D. Lioness (@DeadLioness) September 23, 2019
A little fellow who sometimes presents conspiracy theories. Really plausible conspiracy theories, ones which I promise to use the full force of the government to pursue.
The crystal skulls are def biomorphic Sasquatch pupa
— Buddawiggi (@MarkBuckawicki) September 26, 2019
It’s an agenda all thinking people can get behind. Alas, I need a majority.
Sorry you don’t understand my malapropisms and solecisms, dummy
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) August 31, 2019
Also, though, I enjoy inciting people. I can’t be totally selfless.
I’m just here for the public meltdowns.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 24, 2019
I also can’t be totally innocent. It’s how you know that I’m kind of almost just like you (but better).
If there’s one thing I’m really good at it’s giving the police probable cause for a search.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) September 14, 2019
It really tied the room together. That is, until the incident.
Yes, you are better than me guy with area rug.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) August 22, 2019
After the incident, I woke up to a horrible cacophony.
Birds are just alarm clocks with all different ring tones.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) August 25, 2019
Then I drew a Queen of Diamonds and decided to keep it real.
Do the right thing when no one is looking. Fuck up in public.
— кєℓℓαℓєηα (@topaz_kell) September 19, 2019
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
— Mythic Picnic (@MythicPicnic) September 18, 2019
Though I still obfuscated a little.
If people question your life choices, just tell them you have a head a head injury and that you don’t want to talk to about it.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) September 11, 2019
Getting back to the mission, despite my missing rug, you shouldn’t listen to me. Nonetheless,
Let me serve as a warning to you.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) August 30, 2019
When you wrestle a pig, something something something.
There is apparently nothing noble about my next quest but give me some time and I’m sure I can think up something
— FRONT TOWARD ENEMY (@armyVet1972) September 9, 2019
For while I do wrestle pigs, it’s still hurtful when you call me out on it. I’m doing it for you!
Whatever you do for yourself it is important to put aside some time each day to be abused online.
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) September 4, 2019
This, though, I do for myself.
Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I just sit on my roof with a shotgun.
It’s no big deal.
— Jarhead (@Jarhead44) September 6, 2019
Frank, fill the bath tub with ice. It’s harvesting season.
— V (@Inferno_V) September 6, 2019
Like I said, though, I’ve got resolve.
i stare steadily & firmly into the dead eyes of my pet iguana as i 3d print a 1/64th scale version of a live federal judge sentencing a box of grape nuts to life in prison
— Sunshine Jarboly (@SunshineJarboly) September 19, 2019
Resolve and other “positive” traits, to go with my “legitimate” stature.
Some people go by instinct and some by foolishness
— Tony™ 🐜🍯 (@tsm560) September 26, 2019
“Legitimate” “positivity,” that is.
Kinda hoping for a great day. Kinda hoping a sinkhole opens up and sucks me in.
— heather lou* stark (@heatherlou_) September 26, 2019
Also legitimate “positivity.”
I’m counting that death glare as great eye contact
— Shasta (@shastamaria) August 18, 2019
Not that I don’t intend to keep your attention.
Alien autopsies and pyramid schemes? Sign me up!
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) August 27, 2019
I’m worth it.
Yeah I’m crazy. Crazy great.
— de la soulless (@delasoulless) September 19, 2019
And I bring annotated lists to help you prioritize.
So what are we protesting today? I’m running out of things to not care about
— kanye’s bhole (@bossy_bootz) September 22, 2019
That’s not all. I also bring a surprising amount of resiliency. It’s borderline annoying, but I persist, skateboard in place of my left air drumstick.
I can’t be killed with poison. You’ll have to tear me out by the roots.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) September 21, 2019
Mainly the theme song to the A-Team, but a few movies, too. “East Bound and Down” comes to mind, not least of which because it offers some of the same parallels as the A-Team.
No thank you, forethought. I need that part of my brain to remember old tv theme songs.
— Pasta Fazool (@chrisdowning) September 22, 2019
We’re going to do it, fam. And it’s going to be lit or 100 or whatever. We’re going to do what they say can’t be done. We’ve got a long way to go, and a short time to get there, just watch us bandits run.
Though the mission is shrouded in a cloud of vagaries, there will probably be beer, some bootlegging, a cowboy hat, maybe a logo resembling a bird in flames on the hood of the cement mixer. We’re in this for the long haul, which is a nebulous term that I intend to take full advantage of.
In any case, this is serious and not just a lapse of reason. You can trust me, I’m a “legitimate” man of the people. So don’t mind them brakes, son. There will be selfies, maybe a few landscapes and shots of my meals.
Also, I think the Major is stuck somewhere en route, so we can forget about him and his trigger phrase, which I think has something to do with Lemmy and the Ace of Spades. Keep your foot hard on the pedal, let’s play solitaire.
Sometimes I have my moments and other times I have a moment.
— Ricardo ‘Rich’ Cromwell (@rcromwell4) April 4, 2018
Richard Cromwell is a senior contributor to The Federalist. Follow him on Twitter, @rcromwell4.
Photo U.S. Air Force photo by Joshua Rodriguez